9/02/2003
Legislators are stupid, and other stuff:
Since my job requires little concious thought (actually, you proofread better when you're not thinking too much about the text at all), my brain is free to wander along many other myriad paths. Normally, the long Commute from Hell sucks them from my memory long before I make it home (sucks not having a computer at work)...however, a thought occured to me today. The guy I buy cheesestakes from (who is very conveniently located RIGHT outside my building) always gives about a zillion napkins with each one. And, since I am nowhere in the time zone of being a messy enough eater to require that many, I discovered a brilliant use for them today...NOTE PAPER! So, a sampling of the thoughts scrawled on napkins today:
-- Isn't it funny how in law books (and other places, too), any international fight we win is a "war"...World WAR one, World WAR two, the Revolutionary WAR, the Civil WAR...but, anything we draw or lose is a "conflict"...the Vietnam Conflict, the Korean Conflict. What kind of shit is that? It's like they're implying: "Well, WE could NEVER actually LOSE a war...we were...umm....we were only playing! That's it! Yeah!". No, you stupid fuckers...it was a war, we lost, get over it.
-- Continuing in that vein, what then would we call our two play-dates with Iraq, where we didn't really draw, and we certainly didn't lose, but we displayed great incompetence in getting the job only 3/4 of the way done? Oh...I remember...it's called a "JOKE".
-- True story: For a law dealing with fees for motorcycle education license plates, guess what type of vehicle wasn't on the list of ones you could put them on (at least until it was amended in 2002)? Did Iowa spray their cornfields with acid or something that year? What the FUCK?!
-- I think people sentenced to death in this country should be stoned with law books. Fuck lethal injection or any other "humane" method...you get the right state's books, and you could kill the poor bastard in one good shot to the head. Now THAT is justice, American-style.
-- Speaking of that, they should be much thinner volumes. Law books could, in my opinion, very easily be re-written in plain enough English that a smarter-than-average 5-year old could understand them. However, that would leave little room for interpretation or dispute...thus leaving much less for judges and lawyers to do. Oh, imagine the tragedy of the hellspawn of Mr. and Mrs. Rich Bitch not having that $250,000 a year job right out of Harvard and Princeton. It's a thought worthy of Shakespeare's most melancholy works, let me tell you. Not only that, legislators wouldn't have to amend them every 20 seconds, thus leaving little for lying thieving scumbags to do. On the flipside, that would also mean I'd probably be out of a job too, but hey...what else is new?
-- Last night's Raw, if you took away anything having to do with Kane, was fun and very watchable. It was especially nice that the show was good, what with the US Open being rained out and all.
-- On THAT note, who would have thought 2 or 3 months ago that the MEN'S draw would be where all the drama and great matches are coming from? Filip Bondy had a great column in the Daily News today about how all the mid-range women's players are just laying down at the feet of Kim Clijsters, Justine Henin-Hardenne, and Jennifer Capriati. These are the same people who shrivel like salt-covered slugs at the very whispered mention of "Williams". However, despite the fact that there aren't too many "stars" among the men, I'd rather watch "nobodies" like Younes El-Anoyoui and Jiri Novak in a spirited 5-set slugfest than Capriati or Clijsters winning 6-1, 6-2. Oh, and by the way, I'm rooting like HELL for Todd Martin...the guy is such a class act, it would be CRIMINAL if he never won a major. He's been a part of so many fantastic quarterfinals and semifinals...he deserves a Ray Bourque-like exit.
-- Isn't it funny how in law books (and other places, too), any international fight we win is a "war"...World WAR one, World WAR two, the Revolutionary WAR, the Civil WAR...but, anything we draw or lose is a "conflict"...the Vietnam Conflict, the Korean Conflict. What kind of shit is that? It's like they're implying: "Well, WE could NEVER actually LOSE a war...we were...umm....we were only playing! That's it! Yeah!". No, you stupid fuckers...it was a war, we lost, get over it.
-- Continuing in that vein, what then would we call our two play-dates with Iraq, where we didn't really draw, and we certainly didn't lose, but we displayed great incompetence in getting the job only 3/4 of the way done? Oh...I remember...it's called a "JOKE".
-- True story: For a law dealing with fees for motorcycle education license plates, guess what type of vehicle wasn't on the list of ones you could put them on (at least until it was amended in 2002)? Did Iowa spray their cornfields with acid or something that year? What the FUCK?!
-- I think people sentenced to death in this country should be stoned with law books. Fuck lethal injection or any other "humane" method...you get the right state's books, and you could kill the poor bastard in one good shot to the head. Now THAT is justice, American-style.
-- Speaking of that, they should be much thinner volumes. Law books could, in my opinion, very easily be re-written in plain enough English that a smarter-than-average 5-year old could understand them. However, that would leave little room for interpretation or dispute...thus leaving much less for judges and lawyers to do. Oh, imagine the tragedy of the hellspawn of Mr. and Mrs. Rich Bitch not having that $250,000 a year job right out of Harvard and Princeton. It's a thought worthy of Shakespeare's most melancholy works, let me tell you. Not only that, legislators wouldn't have to amend them every 20 seconds, thus leaving little for lying thieving scumbags to do. On the flipside, that would also mean I'd probably be out of a job too, but hey...what else is new?
-- Last night's Raw, if you took away anything having to do with Kane, was fun and very watchable. It was especially nice that the show was good, what with the US Open being rained out and all.
-- On THAT note, who would have thought 2 or 3 months ago that the MEN'S draw would be where all the drama and great matches are coming from? Filip Bondy had a great column in the Daily News today about how all the mid-range women's players are just laying down at the feet of Kim Clijsters, Justine Henin-Hardenne, and Jennifer Capriati. These are the same people who shrivel like salt-covered slugs at the very whispered mention of "Williams". However, despite the fact that there aren't too many "stars" among the men, I'd rather watch "nobodies" like Younes El-Anoyoui and Jiri Novak in a spirited 5-set slugfest than Capriati or Clijsters winning 6-1, 6-2. Oh, and by the way, I'm rooting like HELL for Todd Martin...the guy is such a class act, it would be CRIMINAL if he never won a major. He's been a part of so many fantastic quarterfinals and semifinals...he deserves a Ray Bourque-like exit.
